i am ashamed of myself for this one reason

i am way too straightforward nowadays


i am not good at saying things behind people's back
but i am so good at blurting words out on the spot


sometimes, or most of the time
words i said sound very radical
which in fact
after spurting them off
whatever feelings i had before faded away just like that
when i got up the next morning, i didn't see the reason why i should have become that verbal


i should learn from mistakes
mistakes of being too straightforward
i must, actually


i used to be very much self composed of a person.
no one would ever know how i feel
no one would ever guess what i think
unless i told them
even if i told them, some would doubt that i could spare such a feeling for something, or someone


i wonder where has my old self lost to.
please come back, oldie selfie
i miss u very much
and i need you now and forever.

forgetting is relieving

in before, i would never feel proud of this feeling of mine

i couldn't help myself but having this strong unlike feeling for this one particular figure.

she is not a public figure but a student figure la kot

since she is a lecturer.

i always think that she teaches lousily, like, the worst lecturer i ever had.

her voice is soft and monotonous those in third and the next rows shall struggle to be able to listen to every patah dan kata from her clearly

she answers questions with questions

she doesn't provide feedback to quizzes and assignments

even if she does, they must never be positive

she is bias (there are obviously some favourite students)

she is idealistic (not flexible) probably because she never really experienced a job of a teacher

i have the feeling that she doesn't like me

whenever someone beside me talks to me, she will look at me as if i am the one at fault

padahal i'm not someone who likes to talk to classmates when a lecturer is in front pon

i prefer to doze off, though

i think she is selfish

so basically, i dislike this figure much

however, after meeting her personally (with another friend) in her office this morning for some 'so called' consultation. (padahal nak g mintak balek this one last semester's assignment. yes, she has been teaching us since last semester), i have got myself new perspective for her

i found her not that bitchy terrible of a person, not that

she sounded sincere while giving advices to us

she actually marked our assignments (i doubted it all this while)

she returned our test papers (maybe after some/a lot of complaints)

so anyway ok la tu kan?

yeah, from today's moment, i think she is not that bad of a person, not that

she is just someone, like everyone else, with strengths and weaknesses

and i feel relieved

very much relieved.

though i have been sparing dislike for her all this while

at some points, i tried to convince myself that there is no way she has no bright side within her

you see, i don't like to dislike others

do you get it people?

having a negative feeling towards others is not a good feeling.

having a good feeling for others is pleasant. very pleasant.

and now

i think i have begun to forget parts of her dark side

Love or Lost?

have you ever loved and lost somebody?
wished there was a chance to prevent something
from happening
can't you see,
that's the way i feel
about you and me, baby

have you ever felt your heart was breaking
looking down the road you should be taking,
rather than taking the road that ruined everything?

human vs mistakes

mistakes are to be corrected,
not to be repeated
sins are to be repented,
not to be reiterated.